요즘은 내가 맘에 없는 행동이나 말을 하면 속이 미식 미식 해진다.
레나를 낳고나서 이런 증상이 생겼다.
우리 막내동생 은주가 독립적으로 책임감을 가지고 씩씩하게 가족을 일꾸러 가는것을 보면 참 기특하다. 부모님과 두자녀와 함께 첫 해외여행을 세부로 다녀왔다. 새엄마와 아빠가 물공원에서 자연스럽게 웃는 모습이 담긴 사진을 보며, '왜 우리 부모님은 이런 기회를 우리 모두 혹은 자신들에게 주지 않았는가' 라는 약간의 비난의 감정이 썩여 나왔다.
3개월된 레나에게 한국말을 가르치기 위해 한국말만 꾸준히 하고 있다. 원래 내가 잘 사용하지 않는 언어라 나한테도 약간은 어색하다. 한국에서 살면서 힘든 기억이 많아서 그런지, 그 다지 한국어, 한국에 대하여 끈끈한 애착은 없다.
집에 친지분이나 손님이 방문시 우리의 role play는 시작된다. 새엄마는 친근하게 나에게 말을걸며 부탁을 한다. "진화야, 이것 이것좀 가지고 오너라" "네"
손님들이 퇴장후 나는 나의 방으로 새엄마는 그녀의 방으로 들어가고,
우리의 문은 닫힌채 잠시 중단 되었던 단절은 시작된다.
한국에서 그런척 이런척하며 많이 살았다. 살면서 내가 진실히 어떻게 느끼는지보다, '이런 겨우, 어떻게 행동해야지 자연스러워 보일까?' 먼저 생각하며, 그에 따라 행동하며 살았다.
한 동안은 없는데도 있는척 모르면서도 아는척, 척 척하는 사람 무진장 증오하기도 했다.
한 동안은 반항적으로 일탈을 하며 사람들의 틀에 들어가지 않으려고 하면서 살기도 했다.
내가 진정으로 사랑하는 사람을 만나고, 내가 내 자식을 낳고,
진심에서 우러 나오는 감정를 느낀뒤,
괜찮은척하는데 집중하며 허비되어진 내 감정, 내존재, 내 진실에 대해 괴성을 지르며 엉 엉 울은적이 있다. 실은 꿈속에서 괴성을 지르며 울었다.
레나 낳고 나서 예의상 한국에 있는 부모님들에게 인사는 드렸지만, 시부모님, 친 엄마쪽에서 공유해주신 마음에 비교하여, 한국의 부모님들의 존재는 나의 마음을 또한 레나의 마음을 차갑게 만든다. 문득, 언니가 왜 한국에 듀크가 태어난지 7년동안 가지 않은것이 이해가 된다.
한국어는 내가 왜 레나한테 하는데? 이런 생각이 들면서도, 나란 김치찌개를 좋아하고, 어떤 표현법을 한국어로 하는것을 좋아하는 부정할수 없는 한국인이다.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Léna Birthing story (Oct 24, 2016)
It was a well rested Sunday evening of Oct 23rd. Thanks to the unexpected Typhoon 8 holiday Friday and afternoon off on that Thursday for maternity photo shoot with Lloyd. I felt liquid running down from my cervix when I was about to finish conversing with my younger sister in Korea via phone. It was 9:20 pm.
Surprised and worried Romain and I admitted K9S of Queen Mary Hospital in 5 min. Romain was quiet tired with much deprived sleep just finalising MSIG HK 50 result and was about to start preparing for upcoming 4 races following week (TMBT in Malaysia, and Lantau 70, Sedan Chair race, Mountain Bike race in Hong Kong.)
After doctor's confirmation of 'Rupture Of Membrane(ROM), Romain I were allowed to labor room(K9N) within around 1 hour. With my GBS(Group B Streptocccus) history, I re-confirmed with a doctor that baby should be delivered within 24hours from the time of ROM.
I got intravenous(IV) needle on the both hands for 3 injection points; one for antibiotics injection for every 4 hours for preventing GBS infection from the baby, 2nd water injection for hydration (they prevent me from eating any food or water for emergency caesarean session in case Spontaneous delivery within 12 hours fails) and last one for inducing medication called "oxytocic" which will have uterus contract.
It was my first time to get IV which appeared 3 cm long 1.5 millimetre thick diameter needle that needs to be inserted inside my vein (aligning with the vein) for faster delivery of medication or fluid. They would inject a cold water to flush blood out to quicker injection of antibiotics and I could feel the cool sensation on the vein top of the hand. "Is it safe to dilute my blood with water?" I was thinking to myself.
Nurse told me "You are Brave" with not much belief in her tone when I said that "I will not take any anaesthesia injection. I felt like "Probably I have no clue what's ahead of me. All my defence for what's coming was 'relaxation breathing exercise' and Entonox inhalation that is attached on delivery bed.
Oxytocic was injected 3 ml per hour for first 3 hours(22:45 -01:45) and which amount will be doubled for every 3 hours: 6 ml (0145-04:45) and last 12 ml (04:45-07:45). "Too much influx of oxytocic can tear apart uterus" a mid-wife explained when we asked how oxytocic is not decreasing as the rate of water agitated on the situation of slow progression of the cervix dilation. After 6 ml does, my cervix was only open 3 cm and I was only wishful for natural delivery but it all depended on how my body will act upon Oxytocic within 12 hours allowed time.
I have been focusing on 'relaxation breathing exercise'; slow nostril inhale and mouth exhale counting 5 for entire 9 hours. There were times my back was uncomfortably painful because, I believe, baby's head is pressing my coccyx(tail bone) I still had to lie on the back for doctor's examination) But they still allowed me to do 'all 4 position' with my 2 IV on the both hands connected to 3 tubes as well as telemetry on my upper belly to monitor baby's heart rate.
All 4 position is supporting yourself with your palms and knees belly facing on the floor or bed. I believe this is not only a gravity advantages position for child birth but also help relieve your lower back pain. highly recommend.
The cyclical pain of Stage 1 (The point cervix opens up to 8 cm and usually it can take 2 - 8 hours) got more severe and frequent later stage of it. Usually moms gets epidural to get relieved with contraction pain. For me this pain almost shook off my values & belief on my Child Birth Plan. Devil was whispering to me "What is the value of going through this for vaginal delivery"? All other kids who were not born via vaginal delivery are fine as well!" "What is the point of even having a child?" "Do you know what it will bring you and your life?" I did not have any defending words for these questions. I know myself that I have high tolerance in pain and survived a few in the past and I will let this one smash me as hard as It could and I will do my best to keep my words and acts together.
The cyclical contraction lasted for 10-12 hours. I utilised this lengthy time by falling a sleep during the earlier stage when pain was not so severe. When pain was getting stronger, I utilised all the resources I have, such as my husband. I would acrimoniously criticise his caressing style on my hair per my request; "No~~! No~~!", "Not like that!" "Do not use entire surfaces of your fingers but use only tips of your finger to run down my hair!". "Let me show you how to do it." Like this! Like this Not Like that!" Yes, I was turning a demanding girl with a very specific request with direct command communication style.
I also annoyingly asking nurse if I can 'push' out of pain like a little child who insists for something she/he knows no approval will be granted. Earlier Push can waste mom's energy also make your birth canal swollen which may narrow the path, thus not recommended at all.
Some point nurse allowed my request but I did not bother to argue why she would allow me such a push at improper timing but enjoyed light push to cope with pain.
Around 4am, a morning shift nurse with Australian accent guided me with a strict and gentle voice which was somewhat more soothing and pleasant.
Around 6 am my cervix was almost 10 cm wide but baby's head was not down enough for me to push. Around this point, coping with the contraction pain so long, I completely immersed myself into the pain. Pain is I and I am the pain. My body found a different level of freedom in the rhythm of the pain. My body would produce all sort of sounds; crying, screaming, and moaning. I also remember I was excreting but this did not bother me or made me feel embarrassed at all.
After Mid-wife check if I have enough motor control to my abdominal muscle for vaginal delivery, I was granted with Green Light to push. It was around 8 am next day. I was glad that I've maintained exercise throughout the pregnancy.
Deep quick inhale
Holding breath for 10 count while pushing
Then quick exhale
and repeat.
This is the breathing they recommend during Stage 2 (Pushing technique)
1-2 minutes later (it seems) I felt baby's head is surfacing (a.k.a crowning) [Per my hubby, all the nurse get together to see this moment when a nurse shared this finding in cantonese.]
I was cautious to listen any mid wife's instruction of 'pause the pushing' in case umbilical cord could be around baby's neck which can choke the baby. With strange silence (I guess everyone was busy witnessing this) I continued the pushing.
[Per my hubby, the longest diameter of baby head was aligning the 10 cm widen cervix then twist 90 degree for baby's shoulder to align with the 10 cm and there baby comes out] The whole process seemed taking around less than 5 minutes.
I tilted my head to the left on my all four position and there I could grasped baby's legs and feet moving also long white & translucent colour of the umbilical cord.
"My baby is out!". "my baby is out". I kept murmuring to myself with awe. I saw nurse clipping the umbilical cord and Romain cut it off. Later Romain explained to me "how wide my cervix grew, how amazingly baby head turns 90 degree automatically, how the texture of umbilical cord is that of octopus with his pupils widened like a little kid who experienced something cool in open-field science class.
I was asked to lie down on the back for placenta delivery after they gave me another oxytocic (supposedly it helps with less bleeding). The nurse pulled the umbilical cord for placenta delivery. I gave a gentle push for the placenta delivery per mid-wife's request.
1st degree tear on posterior inner part of the perineum required nurse suture with a fishing hook shape of needle without a single drop of Anastasia. I was feeling needle poking and some thread moving sensation but I did not feel much pain on suturing. The nurse invited Romain to examine the tear wound and explained to me it will melt naturally.
After a quick assessment near by the board, the baby girl was put on my chest and our little precious daughter was crying and already sucking my breast impressive force.
Maternity photo shoot on Oct 20th, 2016
Léna was born on Oct 24, 2016
Léna is 3 weeks 2 days old today
Surprised and worried Romain and I admitted K9S of Queen Mary Hospital in 5 min. Romain was quiet tired with much deprived sleep just finalising MSIG HK 50 result and was about to start preparing for upcoming 4 races following week (TMBT in Malaysia, and Lantau 70, Sedan Chair race, Mountain Bike race in Hong Kong.)
After doctor's confirmation of 'Rupture Of Membrane(ROM), Romain I were allowed to labor room(K9N) within around 1 hour. With my GBS(Group B Streptocccus) history, I re-confirmed with a doctor that baby should be delivered within 24hours from the time of ROM.
I got intravenous(IV) needle on the both hands for 3 injection points; one for antibiotics injection for every 4 hours for preventing GBS infection from the baby, 2nd water injection for hydration (they prevent me from eating any food or water for emergency caesarean session in case Spontaneous delivery within 12 hours fails) and last one for inducing medication called "oxytocic" which will have uterus contract.
It was my first time to get IV which appeared 3 cm long 1.5 millimetre thick diameter needle that needs to be inserted inside my vein (aligning with the vein) for faster delivery of medication or fluid. They would inject a cold water to flush blood out to quicker injection of antibiotics and I could feel the cool sensation on the vein top of the hand. "Is it safe to dilute my blood with water?" I was thinking to myself.
Nurse told me "You are Brave" with not much belief in her tone when I said that "I will not take any anaesthesia injection. I felt like "Probably I have no clue what's ahead of me. All my defence for what's coming was 'relaxation breathing exercise' and Entonox inhalation that is attached on delivery bed.
Oxytocic was injected 3 ml per hour for first 3 hours(22:45 -01:45) and which amount will be doubled for every 3 hours: 6 ml (0145-04:45) and last 12 ml (04:45-07:45). "Too much influx of oxytocic can tear apart uterus" a mid-wife explained when we asked how oxytocic is not decreasing as the rate of water agitated on the situation of slow progression of the cervix dilation. After 6 ml does, my cervix was only open 3 cm and I was only wishful for natural delivery but it all depended on how my body will act upon Oxytocic within 12 hours allowed time.
I have been focusing on 'relaxation breathing exercise'; slow nostril inhale and mouth exhale counting 5 for entire 9 hours. There were times my back was uncomfortably painful because, I believe, baby's head is pressing my coccyx(tail bone) I still had to lie on the back for doctor's examination) But they still allowed me to do 'all 4 position' with my 2 IV on the both hands connected to 3 tubes as well as telemetry on my upper belly to monitor baby's heart rate.
All 4 position is supporting yourself with your palms and knees belly facing on the floor or bed. I believe this is not only a gravity advantages position for child birth but also help relieve your lower back pain. highly recommend.
The cyclical pain of Stage 1 (The point cervix opens up to 8 cm and usually it can take 2 - 8 hours) got more severe and frequent later stage of it. Usually moms gets epidural to get relieved with contraction pain. For me this pain almost shook off my values & belief on my Child Birth Plan. Devil was whispering to me "What is the value of going through this for vaginal delivery"? All other kids who were not born via vaginal delivery are fine as well!" "What is the point of even having a child?" "Do you know what it will bring you and your life?" I did not have any defending words for these questions. I know myself that I have high tolerance in pain and survived a few in the past and I will let this one smash me as hard as It could and I will do my best to keep my words and acts together.
The cyclical contraction lasted for 10-12 hours. I utilised this lengthy time by falling a sleep during the earlier stage when pain was not so severe. When pain was getting stronger, I utilised all the resources I have, such as my husband. I would acrimoniously criticise his caressing style on my hair per my request; "No~~! No~~!", "Not like that!" "Do not use entire surfaces of your fingers but use only tips of your finger to run down my hair!". "Let me show you how to do it." Like this! Like this Not Like that!" Yes, I was turning a demanding girl with a very specific request with direct command communication style.
I also annoyingly asking nurse if I can 'push' out of pain like a little child who insists for something she/he knows no approval will be granted. Earlier Push can waste mom's energy also make your birth canal swollen which may narrow the path, thus not recommended at all.
Some point nurse allowed my request but I did not bother to argue why she would allow me such a push at improper timing but enjoyed light push to cope with pain.
Around 4am, a morning shift nurse with Australian accent guided me with a strict and gentle voice which was somewhat more soothing and pleasant.
Around 6 am my cervix was almost 10 cm wide but baby's head was not down enough for me to push. Around this point, coping with the contraction pain so long, I completely immersed myself into the pain. Pain is I and I am the pain. My body found a different level of freedom in the rhythm of the pain. My body would produce all sort of sounds; crying, screaming, and moaning. I also remember I was excreting but this did not bother me or made me feel embarrassed at all.
After Mid-wife check if I have enough motor control to my abdominal muscle for vaginal delivery, I was granted with Green Light to push. It was around 8 am next day. I was glad that I've maintained exercise throughout the pregnancy.
Deep quick inhale
Holding breath for 10 count while pushing
Then quick exhale
and repeat.
This is the breathing they recommend during Stage 2 (Pushing technique)
1-2 minutes later (it seems) I felt baby's head is surfacing (a.k.a crowning) [Per my hubby, all the nurse get together to see this moment when a nurse shared this finding in cantonese.]
I was cautious to listen any mid wife's instruction of 'pause the pushing' in case umbilical cord could be around baby's neck which can choke the baby. With strange silence (I guess everyone was busy witnessing this) I continued the pushing.
[Per my hubby, the longest diameter of baby head was aligning the 10 cm widen cervix then twist 90 degree for baby's shoulder to align with the 10 cm and there baby comes out] The whole process seemed taking around less than 5 minutes.
I tilted my head to the left on my all four position and there I could grasped baby's legs and feet moving also long white & translucent colour of the umbilical cord.
"My baby is out!". "my baby is out". I kept murmuring to myself with awe. I saw nurse clipping the umbilical cord and Romain cut it off. Later Romain explained to me "how wide my cervix grew, how amazingly baby head turns 90 degree automatically, how the texture of umbilical cord is that of octopus with his pupils widened like a little kid who experienced something cool in open-field science class.
I was asked to lie down on the back for placenta delivery after they gave me another oxytocic (supposedly it helps with less bleeding). The nurse pulled the umbilical cord for placenta delivery. I gave a gentle push for the placenta delivery per mid-wife's request.
1st degree tear on posterior inner part of the perineum required nurse suture with a fishing hook shape of needle without a single drop of Anastasia. I was feeling needle poking and some thread moving sensation but I did not feel much pain on suturing. The nurse invited Romain to examine the tear wound and explained to me it will melt naturally.
After a quick assessment near by the board, the baby girl was put on my chest and our little precious daughter was crying and already sucking my breast impressive force.
Maternity photo shoot on Oct 20th, 2016
Léna was born on Oct 24, 2016
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Opportunity cost you think about.
I ran into Heinz in the bus on the way to swimming pool who lives in Chi Fu.
I told him that 'cooking' is something I consider as a missed opportunity in my life.
In a way, it can be associated with your secret love that you sometimes ponder,,,
what would have happen if I had pursued her/him at that time
Right after graduating high school, I was working as a chef at the Coco's Family restaurant in Korea, I was too busy too enjoy adulthood at that time and Me working as a chef was merely a mean of supplying me with financial freedom nothing else. (I wonder this situation can be applied to a young men with his girl friend. I guess only for those who does compartmentalisation )
I think about those time, what could have happened if I had taken a chef path as a career. (at that time I was not interested in college and graduating college was some kind of duty I have to complete to save my parents face...but maybe It turned out to be the best to have graduated so that I could go th US and completed Masters while building and learning about my mom)
anyway short conversatin with Heinz reminded me how important not to get distracted by all the fears this society creates to get your attention (If you noticed, fear is one of strong human emotions for persuasion)
To be able to maintain balance of your soul, I believe in maintaining good physical and mental health. Also having meditation time as well as keeping a journal.
After all, life is a temporary gift given to us one time.
We better make the best out of it.
It's all yours! after your death, ,nothing will change, the word will keep on going(It should keep on going.)
Thus when you are alive, Be creative, Be bold, courageous to take a full ownership of it. (I always have much admiration for those who have led such a bold life such as artist. Tamara de Lempicka.
I found myself filed up with fear of unknown(like death), doubts of my ability, shames caused by mistakes & errors when I try to attempt new things in my life.
Be free from all the fear of the world and ourselves.
Also beside, being free of fear, I got to be disciplined to be able to focus on little tasks that will get me to reach my goal.
I told him that 'cooking' is something I consider as a missed opportunity in my life.
In a way, it can be associated with your secret love that you sometimes ponder,,,
what would have happen if I had pursued her/him at that time
Right after graduating high school, I was working as a chef at the Coco's Family restaurant in Korea, I was too busy too enjoy adulthood at that time and Me working as a chef was merely a mean of supplying me with financial freedom nothing else. (I wonder this situation can be applied to a young men with his girl friend. I guess only for those who does compartmentalisation )
I think about those time, what could have happened if I had taken a chef path as a career. (at that time I was not interested in college and graduating college was some kind of duty I have to complete to save my parents face...but maybe It turned out to be the best to have graduated so that I could go th US and completed Masters while building and learning about my mom)
anyway short conversatin with Heinz reminded me how important not to get distracted by all the fears this society creates to get your attention (If you noticed, fear is one of strong human emotions for persuasion)
To be able to maintain balance of your soul, I believe in maintaining good physical and mental health. Also having meditation time as well as keeping a journal.
After all, life is a temporary gift given to us one time.
We better make the best out of it.
It's all yours! after your death, ,nothing will change, the word will keep on going(It should keep on going.)
Thus when you are alive, Be creative, Be bold, courageous to take a full ownership of it. (I always have much admiration for those who have led such a bold life such as artist. Tamara de Lempicka.
I found myself filed up with fear of unknown(like death), doubts of my ability, shames caused by mistakes & errors when I try to attempt new things in my life.
Be free from all the fear of the world and ourselves.
Also beside, being free of fear, I got to be disciplined to be able to focus on little tasks that will get me to reach my goal.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
I want to be rich
I was waiting for Anthony(my first private client by Apefit) on his balcony offering horizontal view of Stanely beach & Lamma island holding a foamy cappuccino with cinnamon powder on top offered by one of his helpers.
It strikes me as "It's so good to be rich".
I want to be 'rich' not because I like to indulge in vanity but because I'd like to increase the quality of my life for myself, my friends, and my family.
Money is a mean like oil paints are a mean for a painter. Imagine how horrible it would be for a painter not having enough money to purchase/get oil colours, papers, brushes and etc. Painters are born to express it on 2-dimentional form creating art/beauty to touch other soul's heart.
Just like the caring gift(flowers & food baskets) sent to me by my friends to console the death of baby at 7months 3days, I would like to have enough mean to express my carings to my friends, myself, and my family.
It's the first time I was feeling the financial restriction processing the first home purchase in Paris with my husband, and preparing for the delivery of our first son. (hiring full time helper, other on-going basic expense required for rearing children)
I think It's first time I heard me saying that "I want to be successful and be rich" from the heart.
I have resources, power, motivation, patience, perseverance to achieve whatever I want in my life.
If somebody like me in her early 20's achieved this far, I can achieve whatever I want in my life.
After all, life is also fragile and we are living the world nobody can predict 1 second after.
Which, in fact, is another source of motivation of paying an attention to mould/develop yourself to achieve whatever goal you set aside in limited time we have here.
Basically the time is the main resources we have. Do not waste the irrevocable resources. use it to truly to be yourself(achieving small or big goals you set for yourself. be inspirational to yourself, to your friends, and your family).
I believe in that money is like air/ocean available to all of us, I will need to find a way to make flow into me.
I can do this and I will do that.
I have achieved whatever I have set aside since mid-20's.
To Do list: take photos of Antony's balcony and post it here.
July 2nd, 2015
It strikes me as "It's so good to be rich".
I want to be 'rich' not because I like to indulge in vanity but because I'd like to increase the quality of my life for myself, my friends, and my family.
Money is a mean like oil paints are a mean for a painter. Imagine how horrible it would be for a painter not having enough money to purchase/get oil colours, papers, brushes and etc. Painters are born to express it on 2-dimentional form creating art/beauty to touch other soul's heart.
Just like the caring gift(flowers & food baskets) sent to me by my friends to console the death of baby at 7months 3days, I would like to have enough mean to express my carings to my friends, myself, and my family.
It's the first time I was feeling the financial restriction processing the first home purchase in Paris with my husband, and preparing for the delivery of our first son. (hiring full time helper, other on-going basic expense required for rearing children)
I think It's first time I heard me saying that "I want to be successful and be rich" from the heart.
I have resources, power, motivation, patience, perseverance to achieve whatever I want in my life.
If somebody like me in her early 20's achieved this far, I can achieve whatever I want in my life.
After all, life is also fragile and we are living the world nobody can predict 1 second after.
Which, in fact, is another source of motivation of paying an attention to mould/develop yourself to achieve whatever goal you set aside in limited time we have here.
Basically the time is the main resources we have. Do not waste the irrevocable resources. use it to truly to be yourself(achieving small or big goals you set for yourself. be inspirational to yourself, to your friends, and your family).
I believe in that money is like air/ocean available to all of us, I will need to find a way to make flow into me.
I can do this and I will do that.
I have achieved whatever I have set aside since mid-20's.
To Do list: take photos of Antony's balcony and post it here.
July 2nd, 2015
Saturday, November 15, 2014
walking through dark cave
Nov 11, 2014
I promised to reserve more time to write and complete it.
Recently I found myself wandering around and quiet exhausted to find nice materials to fuel my passion.
The earliest signal I find about myself's in this stage is that
1) I do keep morning workout but I do not push as hard as I can and that crumbles some part of my ego
2) having hard time keeping high efficiency at work that makes me feel less good about myself.
passion gauge is low is that my not
3) Every seconds of my life becomes dull and hard to engage myself excited with any activity.
Yesterday, I was writing about my admiration for those good looking model in old age on Channel 5 Youtube advertisement under the attempt to rejuvenate my motivation force.
...how admirably it is for them to be able to take full control of molding themselves in better/best version of themselves which can display on your appearance and which i believe somewhat reflect the state of your life..(It's like a apple, you can tell by its appearance and fragrance to distinguish good apples from others)
and then recently i stumbled upon TedTalk talking about flow.
http://www.ted.com/talks/
Flow is the happy moments in your life you fully absorbed in the activity
and forget how time passes.
In order to obtain that happy zone, one needs optimum balance of skills and challenges on some activity.
Yes, I need to build my skills to enjoy the flow on sketch?..
One of way to get out of your 'depleted motivation zone' is volunteering. So I did volunteer as mule runners for my old running teammate running 100m OxfamTrailwalker.
The main role of mule runners is relieving both concrete and abstract burden from the race-participating runners so that race-participating runner can exude their potential through out the journey.
It's kinda noble job and highly recommend to try but you got to be strong physically. Since when the race-participating runner carry almost 0 -500 g weight, mules are carrying minimum 3kg upto 5 kg water + other gear and be able to keep up with the fast runners.
It's been my 2nd time to participate OTW as mule. it's amusing to observe fellow runners putting themselves in the Challenging zone with high running skill combined. I wonder if i looked like them when i was running and getting support from mules. (I remember i was..)
When you put yourself in 100km distance race with challenging goal, you acts like you are the Center of the world. Well you should, you should focus on yourself to manage 100km journey victory.
So now my physical state is a little bit thrown away feeling some fatigue from 20km mule running.
but I do not sense much emptiness as previous few days.
I promised to reserve more time to write and complete it.
Recently I found myself wandering around and quiet exhausted to find nice materials to fuel my passion.
The earliest signal I find about myself's in this stage is that
1) I do keep morning workout but I do not push as hard as I can and that crumbles some part of my ego
2) having hard time keeping high efficiency at work that makes me feel less good about myself.
passion gauge is low is that my not
3) Every seconds of my life becomes dull and hard to engage myself excited with any activity.
Yesterday, I was writing about my admiration for those good looking model in old age on Channel 5 Youtube advertisement under the attempt to rejuvenate my motivation force.
...how admirably it is for them to be able to take full control of molding themselves in better/best version of themselves which can display on your appearance and which i believe somewhat reflect the state of your life..(It's like a apple, you can tell by its appearance and fragrance to distinguish good apples from others)
and then recently i stumbled upon TedTalk talking about flow.
http://www.ted.com/talks/
Flow is the happy moments in your life you fully absorbed in the activity
and forget how time passes.
In order to obtain that happy zone, one needs optimum balance of skills and challenges on some activity.
Yes, I need to build my skills to enjoy the flow on sketch?..
One of way to get out of your 'depleted motivation zone' is volunteering. So I did volunteer as mule runners for my old running teammate running 100m OxfamTrailwalker.
The main role of mule runners is relieving both concrete and abstract burden from the race-participating runners so that race-participating runner can exude their potential through out the journey.
It's kinda noble job and highly recommend to try but you got to be strong physically. Since when the race-participating runner carry almost 0 -500 g weight, mules are carrying minimum 3kg upto 5 kg water + other gear and be able to keep up with the fast runners.
It's been my 2nd time to participate OTW as mule. it's amusing to observe fellow runners putting themselves in the Challenging zone with high running skill combined. I wonder if i looked like them when i was running and getting support from mules. (I remember i was..)
When you put yourself in 100km distance race with challenging goal, you acts like you are the Center of the world. Well you should, you should focus on yourself to manage 100km journey victory.
So now my physical state is a little bit thrown away feeling some fatigue from 20km mule running.
but I do not sense much emptiness as previous few days.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
"Violet" Movie review
Movie: Violet
Director:Luis Berdejo
Cast:Junio Valverde, Leticia Dolera, Carlos Bardem
I found this move is well narrated two different ways of pursuing ‘Love’.
Like Alex, he got totally smitten by one image of an unknown woman and decided that he is in love.
I feel a bit nauseated to see this sort of scene. How dare he can define he is in love?
I would say, he was strongly attracted to the one image and without any concrete purpose, he wants you invest his energy to find and meet her. (it does not have to be defined as ‘Love’)
But it also explains about how some people would like to define love. Like we are more excited night before the first school-picnic day, we get more excited by falling in love with an image/idea of a person rather than the real person. It’s much easier and your love can be more fantasized. That’s why some people have problem in having a relationship but like keeping on dating in shallow level.
No reality can beat your own imagination. That’s why art exists and we(gosh, i call myself artist) constantly have an attempt to compete against the imagination of yourself or future and, as the result, we get better at it.
Later Alex realize what type of love he wants to have for his life. The love he should put effort to understand & accept the other human the way they are and able to enjoy the continuous interaction. That’s what Alex’s best girlfriend did supporting his journey to find the girl of the photo.
I think there is time in your life that you just do not want to face reality but keep on chasing the ideas.
I am not criticizing this phase of human behavior at all and we need this sort of time to be able to construct the kind of your own imagination that you would like to have in relationship with your a temporary or long –term life partner(s).
I also like the fact that the movie win over my skeptical attitude at the beginning. At the end of movie my skeptical attitude toward initial motif changed to ‘however a stupid idea or waste of time it may sound on what you want to do, you got to have gut/belief to move forward based on your own unique desire/emotion in the heart.
It’s common that sensing what we want is hard task but it is one of necessary skills you need to keep on sharpening to keep you life ‘alive’. It’s easy we get cluttered with much expectation from society, your boy/girl friends, work, media, etc.
To me, it sounded absolutely a waste of time for what Alex did and did not approve of his initial motivation. But at the end of the movie, after witnessing, the creative adventures he went through, the level support he got from his friends and strangers, the connection he regain with his deceased grand father and making new friends, and the level he could push forward himself to in absolutely dark cave, not knowing where it’s going makes all worth of the journey.
I found this is what may have been missing to me and some of us in our child hood. So easily we do not allow our-selves to chase after desire by emotion. But it’s important process to keep in order to reach and be connected to deeper oneself and allow this unknown force to lead you to the unexpected world, see how you handle this and, after all, this sort of experience help mold your character unique with much more spirit and energy in your life.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
pensive morning by tapping musics by raindrop
Gentle sounds of raindrops hitting on the wall glass facing South Sea China “tat ta da tat ta… ” at the back of my desk
Sounds of peaceful mouse clicks here and there, thoughtful yet rhythmic tapping keyboards from random location
Enjoying the warmth on my two hands from ‘self made soy latte ‘and combined aroma of coffee and soy bean,
Caffeine delicately does its job lifting me to swirl around all these Wednesday morning orchestra at my office.
These little simple things that we can pay attention to and make our lives more love-able and enjoyable.
Rainy Wednesday morning office
Wish myself to be manage to improve my sanity, fitness, energy to be able to enjoy this little things in our lives with our sense.
Thoughts on Aug 13, 2014
Only 4 days after freshly married to the man I love.
and my husband’s first business trip with his business for TMBT in Malaysia.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)