요즘은 내가 맘에 없는 행동이나 말을 하면 속이 미식 미식 해진다.
레나를 낳고나서 이런 증상이 생겼다.
우리 막내동생 은주가 독립적으로 책임감을 가지고 씩씩하게 가족을 일꾸러 가는것을 보면 참 기특하다. 부모님과 두자녀와 함께 첫 해외여행을 세부로 다녀왔다. 새엄마와 아빠가 물공원에서 자연스럽게 웃는 모습이 담긴 사진을 보며, '왜 우리 부모님은 이런 기회를 우리 모두 혹은 자신들에게 주지 않았는가' 라는 약간의 비난의 감정이 썩여 나왔다.
3개월된 레나에게 한국말을 가르치기 위해 한국말만 꾸준히 하고 있다. 원래 내가 잘 사용하지 않는 언어라 나한테도 약간은 어색하다. 한국에서 살면서 힘든 기억이 많아서 그런지, 그 다지 한국어, 한국에 대하여 끈끈한 애착은 없다.
집에 친지분이나 손님이 방문시 우리의 role play는 시작된다. 새엄마는 친근하게 나에게 말을걸며 부탁을 한다. "진화야, 이것 이것좀 가지고 오너라" "네"
손님들이 퇴장후 나는 나의 방으로 새엄마는 그녀의 방으로 들어가고,
우리의 문은 닫힌채 잠시 중단 되었던 단절은 시작된다.
한국에서 그런척 이런척하며 많이 살았다. 살면서 내가 진실히 어떻게 느끼는지보다, '이런 겨우, 어떻게 행동해야지 자연스러워 보일까?' 먼저 생각하며, 그에 따라 행동하며 살았다.
한 동안은 없는데도 있는척 모르면서도 아는척, 척 척하는 사람 무진장 증오하기도 했다.
한 동안은 반항적으로 일탈을 하며 사람들의 틀에 들어가지 않으려고 하면서 살기도 했다.
내가 진정으로 사랑하는 사람을 만나고, 내가 내 자식을 낳고,
진심에서 우러 나오는 감정를 느낀뒤,
괜찮은척하는데 집중하며 허비되어진 내 감정, 내존재, 내 진실에 대해 괴성을 지르며 엉 엉 울은적이 있다. 실은 꿈속에서 괴성을 지르며 울었다.
레나 낳고 나서 예의상 한국에 있는 부모님들에게 인사는 드렸지만, 시부모님, 친 엄마쪽에서 공유해주신 마음에 비교하여, 한국의 부모님들의 존재는 나의 마음을 또한 레나의 마음을 차갑게 만든다. 문득, 언니가 왜 한국에 듀크가 태어난지 7년동안 가지 않은것이 이해가 된다.
한국어는 내가 왜 레나한테 하는데? 이런 생각이 들면서도, 나란 김치찌개를 좋아하고, 어떤 표현법을 한국어로 하는것을 좋아하는 부정할수 없는 한국인이다.
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Léna Birthing story (Oct 24, 2016)
It was a well rested Sunday evening of Oct 23rd. Thanks to the unexpected Typhoon 8 holiday Friday and afternoon off on that Thursday for maternity photo shoot with Lloyd. I felt liquid running down from my cervix when I was about to finish conversing with my younger sister in Korea via phone. It was 9:20 pm.
Surprised and worried Romain and I admitted K9S of Queen Mary Hospital in 5 min. Romain was quiet tired with much deprived sleep just finalising MSIG HK 50 result and was about to start preparing for upcoming 4 races following week (TMBT in Malaysia, and Lantau 70, Sedan Chair race, Mountain Bike race in Hong Kong.)
After doctor's confirmation of 'Rupture Of Membrane(ROM), Romain I were allowed to labor room(K9N) within around 1 hour. With my GBS(Group B Streptocccus) history, I re-confirmed with a doctor that baby should be delivered within 24hours from the time of ROM.
I got intravenous(IV) needle on the both hands for 3 injection points; one for antibiotics injection for every 4 hours for preventing GBS infection from the baby, 2nd water injection for hydration (they prevent me from eating any food or water for emergency caesarean session in case Spontaneous delivery within 12 hours fails) and last one for inducing medication called "oxytocic" which will have uterus contract.
It was my first time to get IV which appeared 3 cm long 1.5 millimetre thick diameter needle that needs to be inserted inside my vein (aligning with the vein) for faster delivery of medication or fluid. They would inject a cold water to flush blood out to quicker injection of antibiotics and I could feel the cool sensation on the vein top of the hand. "Is it safe to dilute my blood with water?" I was thinking to myself.
Nurse told me "You are Brave" with not much belief in her tone when I said that "I will not take any anaesthesia injection. I felt like "Probably I have no clue what's ahead of me. All my defence for what's coming was 'relaxation breathing exercise' and Entonox inhalation that is attached on delivery bed.
Oxytocic was injected 3 ml per hour for first 3 hours(22:45 -01:45) and which amount will be doubled for every 3 hours: 6 ml (0145-04:45) and last 12 ml (04:45-07:45). "Too much influx of oxytocic can tear apart uterus" a mid-wife explained when we asked how oxytocic is not decreasing as the rate of water agitated on the situation of slow progression of the cervix dilation. After 6 ml does, my cervix was only open 3 cm and I was only wishful for natural delivery but it all depended on how my body will act upon Oxytocic within 12 hours allowed time.
I have been focusing on 'relaxation breathing exercise'; slow nostril inhale and mouth exhale counting 5 for entire 9 hours. There were times my back was uncomfortably painful because, I believe, baby's head is pressing my coccyx(tail bone) I still had to lie on the back for doctor's examination) But they still allowed me to do 'all 4 position' with my 2 IV on the both hands connected to 3 tubes as well as telemetry on my upper belly to monitor baby's heart rate.
All 4 position is supporting yourself with your palms and knees belly facing on the floor or bed. I believe this is not only a gravity advantages position for child birth but also help relieve your lower back pain. highly recommend.
The cyclical pain of Stage 1 (The point cervix opens up to 8 cm and usually it can take 2 - 8 hours) got more severe and frequent later stage of it. Usually moms gets epidural to get relieved with contraction pain. For me this pain almost shook off my values & belief on my Child Birth Plan. Devil was whispering to me "What is the value of going through this for vaginal delivery"? All other kids who were not born via vaginal delivery are fine as well!" "What is the point of even having a child?" "Do you know what it will bring you and your life?" I did not have any defending words for these questions. I know myself that I have high tolerance in pain and survived a few in the past and I will let this one smash me as hard as It could and I will do my best to keep my words and acts together.
The cyclical contraction lasted for 10-12 hours. I utilised this lengthy time by falling a sleep during the earlier stage when pain was not so severe. When pain was getting stronger, I utilised all the resources I have, such as my husband. I would acrimoniously criticise his caressing style on my hair per my request; "No~~! No~~!", "Not like that!" "Do not use entire surfaces of your fingers but use only tips of your finger to run down my hair!". "Let me show you how to do it." Like this! Like this Not Like that!" Yes, I was turning a demanding girl with a very specific request with direct command communication style.
I also annoyingly asking nurse if I can 'push' out of pain like a little child who insists for something she/he knows no approval will be granted. Earlier Push can waste mom's energy also make your birth canal swollen which may narrow the path, thus not recommended at all.
Some point nurse allowed my request but I did not bother to argue why she would allow me such a push at improper timing but enjoyed light push to cope with pain.
Around 4am, a morning shift nurse with Australian accent guided me with a strict and gentle voice which was somewhat more soothing and pleasant.
Around 6 am my cervix was almost 10 cm wide but baby's head was not down enough for me to push. Around this point, coping with the contraction pain so long, I completely immersed myself into the pain. Pain is I and I am the pain. My body found a different level of freedom in the rhythm of the pain. My body would produce all sort of sounds; crying, screaming, and moaning. I also remember I was excreting but this did not bother me or made me feel embarrassed at all.
After Mid-wife check if I have enough motor control to my abdominal muscle for vaginal delivery, I was granted with Green Light to push. It was around 8 am next day. I was glad that I've maintained exercise throughout the pregnancy.
Deep quick inhale
Holding breath for 10 count while pushing
Then quick exhale
and repeat.
This is the breathing they recommend during Stage 2 (Pushing technique)
1-2 minutes later (it seems) I felt baby's head is surfacing (a.k.a crowning) [Per my hubby, all the nurse get together to see this moment when a nurse shared this finding in cantonese.]
I was cautious to listen any mid wife's instruction of 'pause the pushing' in case umbilical cord could be around baby's neck which can choke the baby. With strange silence (I guess everyone was busy witnessing this) I continued the pushing.
[Per my hubby, the longest diameter of baby head was aligning the 10 cm widen cervix then twist 90 degree for baby's shoulder to align with the 10 cm and there baby comes out] The whole process seemed taking around less than 5 minutes.
I tilted my head to the left on my all four position and there I could grasped baby's legs and feet moving also long white & translucent colour of the umbilical cord.
"My baby is out!". "my baby is out". I kept murmuring to myself with awe. I saw nurse clipping the umbilical cord and Romain cut it off. Later Romain explained to me "how wide my cervix grew, how amazingly baby head turns 90 degree automatically, how the texture of umbilical cord is that of octopus with his pupils widened like a little kid who experienced something cool in open-field science class.
I was asked to lie down on the back for placenta delivery after they gave me another oxytocic (supposedly it helps with less bleeding). The nurse pulled the umbilical cord for placenta delivery. I gave a gentle push for the placenta delivery per mid-wife's request.
1st degree tear on posterior inner part of the perineum required nurse suture with a fishing hook shape of needle without a single drop of Anastasia. I was feeling needle poking and some thread moving sensation but I did not feel much pain on suturing. The nurse invited Romain to examine the tear wound and explained to me it will melt naturally.
After a quick assessment near by the board, the baby girl was put on my chest and our little precious daughter was crying and already sucking my breast impressive force.
Maternity photo shoot on Oct 20th, 2016
Léna was born on Oct 24, 2016
Léna is 3 weeks 2 days old today
Surprised and worried Romain and I admitted K9S of Queen Mary Hospital in 5 min. Romain was quiet tired with much deprived sleep just finalising MSIG HK 50 result and was about to start preparing for upcoming 4 races following week (TMBT in Malaysia, and Lantau 70, Sedan Chair race, Mountain Bike race in Hong Kong.)
After doctor's confirmation of 'Rupture Of Membrane(ROM), Romain I were allowed to labor room(K9N) within around 1 hour. With my GBS(Group B Streptocccus) history, I re-confirmed with a doctor that baby should be delivered within 24hours from the time of ROM.
I got intravenous(IV) needle on the both hands for 3 injection points; one for antibiotics injection for every 4 hours for preventing GBS infection from the baby, 2nd water injection for hydration (they prevent me from eating any food or water for emergency caesarean session in case Spontaneous delivery within 12 hours fails) and last one for inducing medication called "oxytocic" which will have uterus contract.
It was my first time to get IV which appeared 3 cm long 1.5 millimetre thick diameter needle that needs to be inserted inside my vein (aligning with the vein) for faster delivery of medication or fluid. They would inject a cold water to flush blood out to quicker injection of antibiotics and I could feel the cool sensation on the vein top of the hand. "Is it safe to dilute my blood with water?" I was thinking to myself.
Nurse told me "You are Brave" with not much belief in her tone when I said that "I will not take any anaesthesia injection. I felt like "Probably I have no clue what's ahead of me. All my defence for what's coming was 'relaxation breathing exercise' and Entonox inhalation that is attached on delivery bed.
Oxytocic was injected 3 ml per hour for first 3 hours(22:45 -01:45) and which amount will be doubled for every 3 hours: 6 ml (0145-04:45) and last 12 ml (04:45-07:45). "Too much influx of oxytocic can tear apart uterus" a mid-wife explained when we asked how oxytocic is not decreasing as the rate of water agitated on the situation of slow progression of the cervix dilation. After 6 ml does, my cervix was only open 3 cm and I was only wishful for natural delivery but it all depended on how my body will act upon Oxytocic within 12 hours allowed time.
I have been focusing on 'relaxation breathing exercise'; slow nostril inhale and mouth exhale counting 5 for entire 9 hours. There were times my back was uncomfortably painful because, I believe, baby's head is pressing my coccyx(tail bone) I still had to lie on the back for doctor's examination) But they still allowed me to do 'all 4 position' with my 2 IV on the both hands connected to 3 tubes as well as telemetry on my upper belly to monitor baby's heart rate.
All 4 position is supporting yourself with your palms and knees belly facing on the floor or bed. I believe this is not only a gravity advantages position for child birth but also help relieve your lower back pain. highly recommend.
The cyclical pain of Stage 1 (The point cervix opens up to 8 cm and usually it can take 2 - 8 hours) got more severe and frequent later stage of it. Usually moms gets epidural to get relieved with contraction pain. For me this pain almost shook off my values & belief on my Child Birth Plan. Devil was whispering to me "What is the value of going through this for vaginal delivery"? All other kids who were not born via vaginal delivery are fine as well!" "What is the point of even having a child?" "Do you know what it will bring you and your life?" I did not have any defending words for these questions. I know myself that I have high tolerance in pain and survived a few in the past and I will let this one smash me as hard as It could and I will do my best to keep my words and acts together.
The cyclical contraction lasted for 10-12 hours. I utilised this lengthy time by falling a sleep during the earlier stage when pain was not so severe. When pain was getting stronger, I utilised all the resources I have, such as my husband. I would acrimoniously criticise his caressing style on my hair per my request; "No~~! No~~!", "Not like that!" "Do not use entire surfaces of your fingers but use only tips of your finger to run down my hair!". "Let me show you how to do it." Like this! Like this Not Like that!" Yes, I was turning a demanding girl with a very specific request with direct command communication style.
I also annoyingly asking nurse if I can 'push' out of pain like a little child who insists for something she/he knows no approval will be granted. Earlier Push can waste mom's energy also make your birth canal swollen which may narrow the path, thus not recommended at all.
Some point nurse allowed my request but I did not bother to argue why she would allow me such a push at improper timing but enjoyed light push to cope with pain.
Around 4am, a morning shift nurse with Australian accent guided me with a strict and gentle voice which was somewhat more soothing and pleasant.
Around 6 am my cervix was almost 10 cm wide but baby's head was not down enough for me to push. Around this point, coping with the contraction pain so long, I completely immersed myself into the pain. Pain is I and I am the pain. My body found a different level of freedom in the rhythm of the pain. My body would produce all sort of sounds; crying, screaming, and moaning. I also remember I was excreting but this did not bother me or made me feel embarrassed at all.
After Mid-wife check if I have enough motor control to my abdominal muscle for vaginal delivery, I was granted with Green Light to push. It was around 8 am next day. I was glad that I've maintained exercise throughout the pregnancy.
Deep quick inhale
Holding breath for 10 count while pushing
Then quick exhale
and repeat.
This is the breathing they recommend during Stage 2 (Pushing technique)
1-2 minutes later (it seems) I felt baby's head is surfacing (a.k.a crowning) [Per my hubby, all the nurse get together to see this moment when a nurse shared this finding in cantonese.]
I was cautious to listen any mid wife's instruction of 'pause the pushing' in case umbilical cord could be around baby's neck which can choke the baby. With strange silence (I guess everyone was busy witnessing this) I continued the pushing.
[Per my hubby, the longest diameter of baby head was aligning the 10 cm widen cervix then twist 90 degree for baby's shoulder to align with the 10 cm and there baby comes out] The whole process seemed taking around less than 5 minutes.
I tilted my head to the left on my all four position and there I could grasped baby's legs and feet moving also long white & translucent colour of the umbilical cord.
"My baby is out!". "my baby is out". I kept murmuring to myself with awe. I saw nurse clipping the umbilical cord and Romain cut it off. Later Romain explained to me "how wide my cervix grew, how amazingly baby head turns 90 degree automatically, how the texture of umbilical cord is that of octopus with his pupils widened like a little kid who experienced something cool in open-field science class.
I was asked to lie down on the back for placenta delivery after they gave me another oxytocic (supposedly it helps with less bleeding). The nurse pulled the umbilical cord for placenta delivery. I gave a gentle push for the placenta delivery per mid-wife's request.
1st degree tear on posterior inner part of the perineum required nurse suture with a fishing hook shape of needle without a single drop of Anastasia. I was feeling needle poking and some thread moving sensation but I did not feel much pain on suturing. The nurse invited Romain to examine the tear wound and explained to me it will melt naturally.
After a quick assessment near by the board, the baby girl was put on my chest and our little precious daughter was crying and already sucking my breast impressive force.
Maternity photo shoot on Oct 20th, 2016
Léna was born on Oct 24, 2016
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